Day Two

Papa took big brother Eddie out for a new baseball bat, so Israel and I went to the park.  We said good-bye to Papa, and I set about teaching Israel the abstract terms "away" and "back".  He was very anxious as soon as Papa left.  As we got ready to go outside, he insisted on wearing a Thomas Train backpack that we hung by his yellow fireman's raincoat near the front door.  I don't know how he knew it was his, but he knew.  He looked like a little runaway!

We walked out to the park, hand in hand, passing the parking lot where we park our car.  I pointed out that Papa took the car and went "away" to open the discussion.  I tried to take him to the swings to show him "away" and "back", but he wouldn't get into the swing.  Of course, I thought, he isn't ready for "away" and "back" -- look how anxious he is!  He keeps asking, "ou est Papa?"  The swing was the last thing he needed.  All he really needed from me was "back"!  So I picked him up and held him.  He relaxed slowly in my arms.  I weighed him this morning, and he is twenty five pounds, and then the backpack, so I couldn't walk carrying him all morning.  We had to keep finding quiet places to sit.  He sat facing me so that we could play "away" -- I rock him away from me -- and "back" -- I pull him close to me.  I kept talking about how Papa would come back.  I even pointed to my head and told him that I knew Papa would come back, and then I pointed to my heart and repeated I knew and I could feel that Papa would come back.  He mimicked everything I did, but he thought about it a lot, and he seemed to really take in the idea that Papa would come back. 

Whenever there were people around, he was markedly nervous and shut down.  I took this to mean that he was worried I would hand him over to someone else.  I talked to him about this directly, in both languages.  I said, Mama is Mama and there are no other Mamas and no other Papas for Izzy.  Izzy is home with Mama and Papa and Eddie, and no one else.  (We don't use caregivers, so this sort of talk works for us.  We fully expect never to leave him without one of us with him for at least many months, probably at least a year.  We don't often have caregivers for Eddie.  In our culture, this is far from the norm, but it works for us.  We homeschool, so we really are hands-on parenting most of the time.  I have Monday nights out, but I probably won't take a Monday night for a while right now during this critical bonding period.  Scott has Thursday nights out.  We try to give each other small breaks of a few hours over the weekends.  I go to the gym at a ridiculously early hour in the morning.  Scott works mostly from home.)  When a child has been recently handed over to someone, and then taken to the other side of the globe, that child knows that anything can happen because anything has happened.  I keep trying to reassure him that he is safe with us. 

With my first biological child, I felt intensely mortal all the time.  I couldn't reassure him that I would be around, because I literally felt I could die at any moment.  Now I feel immortal, because it seems to me impossible that after coming all the way around the world, my second son should have to go through any more intense loss (at least for the time being). 

We saw the ducks and the pigeons and the robin redbreasts.  We went to the Inwood Hill Nature Center and saw the mummichogs (fish) and the turtles with long necks and the snake.  We got to pet stuffed (real) ducks.  We saw a man play a dulcimer.  We stopped to watch a lot of the number one pastime in our beautiful park -- baseball!  He learned about the diamond and the bases.  He learned colors in French and English.  And all of this in slow motion, while I carried him, while he worried about Papa, and I kept on repeating the lesson of the day ("away" and "back").  He holds onto me.  He looks into my eyes more and more especially in the mirror, like when we brush our teeth.  He searches me out when we are near the mirror, because it is less threatening to make contact this way.  We were relaxed for a lot of the time.  And then we saw Papa with Eddie playing baseball on the second field, and Izzy learned "back"!  Papa comes back!  Papa helped him hit a line drive.  He is already starting to love baseball. 

He does not love the dog near him while he eats, and he had his first tantrum telling me this.  I put the dog in the bedroom during our meals now.  So far she hasn't complained. 

Later Izzy and I walked Shug while Papa and Eddie went to the basketball courts, and again Papa comes back!  We celebrated Shabbat with candles and blessings.  Food is good.  Sleep is good.  In bed, Izzy chanted "Izzy home, Papa home, Mama home, Eddie home, Meshugunah home."  (Yes, he says the dog's full name!)  He chose me to put him to bed tonight.  Afterwards I played Rummy 600 with Eddie and read three chapters of <> by Kate DiCamillo.  Then we talked about his feelings, and I told him stories about growing up with a little sister (don't worry K) that will not be repeated or blogged about, ever. 

Tomorrow is Little League!  I think if I can just keep trying to seeing things from Izzy's point of view, I will be able to help him feel safe with us.  And with safety comes relaxation and trust, so that bonding can happen.  Bonding is so nicely built into biological parenting, and yet feels so forced with adoptive parenting in the beginning with an "older" child who has no reason to trust anyone.  Every time I start a new bonding game, it feels strange to me, but when I see him smile, I'm all endorphins.